Thursday, October 04, 2007

Brownie adventure delight (last night)

Story submitted by a fellow Technobo. The way he thinks and writes makes me laugh my ass off. ( names changed to protect the innocent )
*Warning - Explicit Language*

Yeah… So I ate 2 special brownies and went on about cleaning the house, doing laundry & vacuuming while listening to some music. I began to feel very aware of a strange feeling in my guttywots. I couldn't place it and want sure if it was a bad feeling or not. After a while longer, I realized what it was. Extreme hunger. I was so incredibly hungry it was almost making me sick. I went though the food I have around the house and discovered I have nothing, which even remotely resembled snack type food. I really didn't feel like making anything. Right then and there it was decided I would drive into town in search of some heavily salted chips. I was wearing an old pair of shorts and no shirt because I was just bumming around the house so the first order of business was to get some cloths on.

I grabbed a pair of track pants out of the dryer and a t-shirt and threw them on, put on my jacket and got in the car. Within the first 30 seconds of setting out on my quest for chips I began to notice a repetitive type sound as my little truck drove down the road. I sped up and slowed down and the sound changed. It had something to do with my wheels. I though to myself: "You've never noticed that sound before, your just stoned and over analyzing something that's not all that serious". I tried to forget about this faint, repetitive sound and popped in a CD. Listening to radio head I could still faintly hear this repetitive noise. I turned up the music and I could still hear the noise. I was about ¾ the way to town… This is when the paranoia set in…

I started to notice a shimmy in the steering wheel. I have never noticed this before so I kept telling myself: "There are no serious problems here, you have never noticed these things before. If they are happening now, they have been happening for a long, long time and obviously aren't serious. You're just really fucking stoned and thinking too much".

I tried to ignore the shimmy in the steering wheel and the noise but they weren't going away and appeared to be getting worse. I pulled over by the road to York and got out, looked at all 4 of my wheels gave my front tires a bit of a kick and checked all my wheel nuts. Everything is fine (Big surprise). I got back into the car and started off again, the sound and shimmy resumed. I pulled off the road again and into the parking lot at Mel's. I then somehow got the idea that one or all of my tires where perhaps out of round somehow. I slowly pulled out of the parking lot and drove along the shoulder for a min or 2 trying to see if I could feel the out of roundness of the wheels if I went slow and somehow pinpoint what wheel was causing the issues, no luck. I got out again and looked at my wheels and checked the tire treads with a flashlight to see if they where separating or something. I then realized that I am really fucking stoned and by the side of the road checking to see if my wheels are still round… That's going to sound perfectly reasonable being explained to a cop asking what I am doing.

I got back into my car and drove to the superstore. I got 3 bags of regular chips and went to the checkout. There was this mutant working the cash. I suddenly realized after she began ringing in my chips that I had forgot my debit card at home on the computer keyboard… I said "ahh cunt" out loud then realized I said it then said "shit" for saying cunt out loud when I meant to just think it. The mutant looked at me with the stink eye.

I began digging though my wallet and started counting out the massive amount of change I had in the change compartment. I was way too fucking stoned to count properly and it too me several tries and 2 instance of forgetting what I was doing while doing it to get this mutant enough quarters and loonies to pay for my shit. At the end I was .10 cents short. I even dropped a fucking dime and it rolled under the food belt thing. She wouldn't fucking help me out. 10 fucking cents. She took one of the bags of chips off my total and I had to recalculate what it too me so much time to calculate in the beginning. I handed her the fist full of change I had counted out and she fucking counts it again. I went to grab a bag for my shit and there aren't any fucking bags. I ask the mutant "any bags?" and she looks at me and says something like "mur murph nrah fo nortdah!" then pointed at the bag holder. I looked down where I aware to fucking god there where no bags 3 seconds earlier and there are so many bags there…I bagged my chips and started on the way out.

I passed the post office and this guy I work with, Brodie. His girlfriend is working there. I think she said "Hi Norgab!" but it sounded more like "Stor mo mah foran!" I smiled this ultra fake, fucked up looking grin and said something that didn't make any fucking sense at all about her boyfriend while continuing out.

I started the ride home and hit every single fucking red light. Meanwhile there was this random van behind me that wouldn't stop fucking following me. I got about half way home and it was still behind me. I turned down some random road to loose them (because they where making me paranoid), turn around then get back on the road. I am on the main road no more then 10 seconds and a fucking cop comes up behind me. I put the cruise control on so I won't fluctuate speed too much like a typical stoned driver. The fucking cop follows me about 95% of the way home then turns around and drives off in the other directions with his lights on.

Once I got back to my house I realize the track pants I had tossed on were on inside out with the pockets flapping like wings which I never fucking noticed the whole time (carried my wallet on my hand) and my jacket was inside out. I looked like a fucking member of Criss Cross. Fuck sakes. This was about 4 hours ago. I have gone though my 2 bags of chips and enjoyed them immensely. Now I am looking forward to the inevitable explosive diarrhea which always occurs after eating too many lays potato chips.