Friday, April 11, 2008

"Give like Santa, save like Scrooge"

"And now, a word from our nameless, faceless technobo accomplice."

Fucking public washrooms. My way of getting back at society is going into a public washrooms and pissing all over the seats and the top of the tank and anywhere else I can get away with. I also often piss on the toilet paper as well. If it is one of those public washrooms where you can lock the door and have private access to the sink I oftin piss all over the sink and the tap handles. I WANT TO TAKE A SHIT IN A URINAL SOME DAY AND JUST LEAVE IT THERE. FUCK YOU PUBLIC!

Yesterday I took one of my Mastercraft brand screwdrivers into Canadian Tire. The bit at the end had sheered off when when I was using it to force a rusted, seized machine screw out of my little truck. The reason why I have spent a little more on my hand tools and bought Mastercraft and/or Craftsman (Sears) brand is because they'll replace them if they break over the lifetime of the tool. Sounds simple, right?

I walked over the the customer service desk and stood around for about 7 or 8 minutes before being greeted by a "mousy" lady of below average stature. She was the type of person whom just by looking at them you can tell they are defective in some way. From the first nanosecond I saw her, I somehow knew there was no way I was walking out of there with a replacement screw driver...

I showed her my screwdriver with the snapped off bit at the end and requested my replacement. She took the driver from me and started examining it. I saw her mentally noting the fact the shaft wasn't completely straight and slightly bent. Then then ran her fingers over some gouges and heavy scratches in the plastic handle and handed the driver back to me. She told me I would not be getting a replacement driver at no charge because their lifetime breakage warranty does not cover cases where tools break while being abused or in an application which isn't their intended function. I asked to clarify about how this applies to me. She told me the bit at the end obviously broke off while I was using the screwdriver to pry against something, bending the shaft and snapping the bit at the end off. I assured her that the shaft had been bent for years. I wasn't getting anywhere.... I argued and explained that tools are made to be used as tools and not treated like they are your grandmother's fine china. I assured her I had not "abused" this screwdriver or used it for any purpose other then the insertion and removal of #2 torx machine screws. I left out the bit about once using it and a bent up coat hanger to abort a fetuses when I was running that back ally abortion clinic but thats another story for another day.

She was being very clear about me not getting a replacement. I asked for the manager, apparently she WAS the manager on duty at the time. I started to get angry and use profanity. She then started lecturing me about using such offensive language when I interrupted her. "Where is your washroom?"
She paused and told me.

So I went into the washroom, locked the door and took a giant dump in the middle of the floor. I then stuck the screwdriver in it and left. FUCK YOU CANADIAN TIRE!

So what did you guys do on Wednesday?