Thursday, November 13, 2008

Matt's Chunky Soup Adventure!

So, as you may have read previously, I have made mention to a can of Chunky soup that's been sitting in the elements for quite a while ( 6 months maybe? ) .
My theory, and the reasoning behind the following experiment, is that canned goods are canned goods, no matter what external elements are involved ( provided the seal isn't broken, which it wasn't. If it had been, the deal would have been off )
I also want to note that I didn't do this out of desperation, or anything of the sort. It was done simply to prove a point. Now that that is out of the way, on to the experiment. ( Conducted in the evening of November the 10th, in case you're curious )

Dented, Discolored, Rusty

Ain't that dent pretty?

Not quite as discolored from this side

Only slightly demented, I swear

Yup, still looks like stew. Chunky Stew at that.

Kitty go in the pot!

Looking even more like Chunky Stew.

Even poured myself a glass to wash it down.

Still looking perfectly damned edible


The proof is in the pudding

Dessert. Yummy.

So, in the end... it didn't kill me, I suffered no ill effects whatsoever. I have proven my point. Due to the preservatives involved, and provided the seal isn't broken, a can of food is simply a can of food.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Technobo rant...

*they've been doing endless construction between my place and where I work*

I was biking down through the causeway this morning, and there were 3 choices. Attempt using the walking path on the far side of the road ( which, due to the construction, is dangerous enough that I wouldn't even attempt it on foot ) biking with ( or against traffic ) OR... heading down through the so-called construction zone ( where there were 2 trucks with Highfield employees sitting on the
tailgates having coffee... IE - no one was working )

So, I took the logical choice, and zipped down through the construction zone, seeing as it made sense. Made it to the far side ( the lights down by the causeway shops ) where one of the Highfield boys caught up to me in his car and flagged me to pull over. He then told me that they couldn't have people going through the construction zone because they can't have someone get hurt. I was nice... nodded and agreed and went on my way, because I know that he's just doing his job. But seriously...the least chance I have of getting hurt ( and I've learned from experience ) is heading through the so-called construction zone. Simply because there ain't no one doing jack.
So my option from this point on is to cross my fingers and hope a car doesn't decide to maul me while I'm playing in traffic. Sounds brilliant, ya fucking tools.

So that's my happy story for today. Soon to come > a can of Chunky soup that's been sitting outside for 6+ months.

Matt "Technobo" Turner.

Friday, April 11, 2008

"Give like Santa, save like Scrooge"

"And now, a word from our nameless, faceless technobo accomplice."

Fucking public washrooms. My way of getting back at society is going into a public washrooms and pissing all over the seats and the top of the tank and anywhere else I can get away with. I also often piss on the toilet paper as well. If it is one of those public washrooms where you can lock the door and have private access to the sink I oftin piss all over the sink and the tap handles. I WANT TO TAKE A SHIT IN A URINAL SOME DAY AND JUST LEAVE IT THERE. FUCK YOU PUBLIC!

Yesterday I took one of my Mastercraft brand screwdrivers into Canadian Tire. The bit at the end had sheered off when when I was using it to force a rusted, seized machine screw out of my little truck. The reason why I have spent a little more on my hand tools and bought Mastercraft and/or Craftsman (Sears) brand is because they'll replace them if they break over the lifetime of the tool. Sounds simple, right?

I walked over the the customer service desk and stood around for about 7 or 8 minutes before being greeted by a "mousy" lady of below average stature. She was the type of person whom just by looking at them you can tell they are defective in some way. From the first nanosecond I saw her, I somehow knew there was no way I was walking out of there with a replacement screw driver...

I showed her my screwdriver with the snapped off bit at the end and requested my replacement. She took the driver from me and started examining it. I saw her mentally noting the fact the shaft wasn't completely straight and slightly bent. Then then ran her fingers over some gouges and heavy scratches in the plastic handle and handed the driver back to me. She told me I would not be getting a replacement driver at no charge because their lifetime breakage warranty does not cover cases where tools break while being abused or in an application which isn't their intended function. I asked to clarify about how this applies to me. She told me the bit at the end obviously broke off while I was using the screwdriver to pry against something, bending the shaft and snapping the bit at the end off. I assured her that the shaft had been bent for years. I wasn't getting anywhere.... I argued and explained that tools are made to be used as tools and not treated like they are your grandmother's fine china. I assured her I had not "abused" this screwdriver or used it for any purpose other then the insertion and removal of #2 torx machine screws. I left out the bit about once using it and a bent up coat hanger to abort a fetuses when I was running that back ally abortion clinic but thats another story for another day.

She was being very clear about me not getting a replacement. I asked for the manager, apparently she WAS the manager on duty at the time. I started to get angry and use profanity. She then started lecturing me about using such offensive language when I interrupted her. "Where is your washroom?"
She paused and told me.

So I went into the washroom, locked the door and took a giant dump in the middle of the floor. I then stuck the screwdriver in it and left. FUCK YOU CANADIAN TIRE!

So what did you guys do on Wednesday?

Thursday, February 07, 2008

"From everyone's favorite crasy hobo, here's more 'Words to shout at a giant number 3'."

I have been thinking of this since I had a strange bathroom experiance the other day. While strange bathroom experiences in public washrooms aren't at all uncommon this one stood out. The person in the stall next to me was sitting on the can backwards, his feet facing the toilet tank... I suspect he was doing drugs off the toilet tank because thats the only reason I can think of why you would sit on the shitter this way. Seeing my stall neighbor sitting on the can backwards sparked some interesting thoughts about odd bathroom behavior:

When toilet training is done, it is usually done by the parent of the same sex as the child. Fathers will teach little boys to use the toilet and mothers will teach little girls. Since our society dictates urination and more so deification to be private affairs. If this training is done improperly, it will not go uncorrected and continue for a lifetime more or less unnoticed and without intervention by others. These people not be corrected but they will spread their "bathroom incompetence " to the next generation if they are of the same sex as the offspring.

A 35 year old man, lets call him Larry; takes a shit on the toilet by sitting on the can backwards, facing the toilet tank. He does this because this is how his father taught him when toilet training him 34 years ago. Since deification is a private affair, no one else has seen Larry doing this. Since this odd way of taking a shit has never been seen or corrected by others, Larry thinks its completely normal. Larry later teaches his 1 year old to use the toilet and shows him how to take a shit the same way. He continues to defecate this way for the rest of his life. His son, also does this for the rest of his life and teaches his little boy the same. Its rather cyclic. The only thing that would stop the cycle is if the off spring of one of the sons turned out to be female. In this case the mother would show the child how to use the toilet properly, or improperly because perhaps she also has had improper training.

This thought always comes to mind when ever I whiteness strange public bathroom behavior. With regards to our friend Tim Foster; Perhaps his dad taught him to complete all the odd routines before he could urinate or defecate. When we see/hear odd things in public washrooms form others, perhaps these things are completely normal to those people. I think this should be explored further. I propose, when we whiteness odd public washroom behavior, these people should be interviewed on the spot in the washroom when they come out of the stall and their responses recorded. Also, they should have their skulls measured, to see if we can find a correlation between odd bathroom behavior and bad genetics. Do you think we could get UPEI to sponsor a study on this subject?